I am writing this to free myself.
I am disgusting. I allowed my hatred to turn into resentment. I let the good outweigh the bad. I focused on how I thought that my mother didn't help as much as she should, how my sister wouldn't leave any good deed go unpunished, and how my father would make everything worse.
I inflated their responsibility in how screwed up I have become. I rationalized that their influence has disallowed me to become a better person. I lied to myself that I was desperate to change. Saying to myself, as if it were a mantra, "If only they were a better family, I could have been so great."
My sick mind began to blame them whenever I couldn't do something as simple as cleaning my room. As time went on, I started to take less care of myself. Trash would begin to encompass my room. Then mold would take over my bathroom. Leaving me with the bed. However, I did not have the bed, the bed had me.
Sleep became the only solace to my increasingly meaningless life. I hate my family. I hated myself. My past, present, and future only held suffering. My past coping mechanisms and intrusive thoughts trapped me in the present and my disgusting future crushed my motivations, hopes, and dreams.
I had no friends, no hobbies, and no family. I turned to an endless cycle of hedonistic behaviors; Porn, gaming, junk food, social media, and recreational drugs when I had the money.
My symptoms of anxiety and depression isolated me from the physical world. The mental illnesses created demons within my mind and body that would grow with each day. Lacing their judgements and commands with truth to beat down my conscience.
At first, I became scared of myself but eventually, I learned that indulging the anger and evil allowed me to shed my guilt and sadness.
Anyone that dared to help me was hurt by the things I said or threatened to do. However, whenever I hurt them, I always felt the vestiges of guilt and sadness.