AT SCHOOL
I groan feeling frustrated. My hands are not working. My head and back are hurting like hell and I have just done half of the test yet. Come on Alex, you have prepared hard for it. You have to complete it. Taking a few deep breaths, I resume completing the test. I have filled 5 sheets but at least 3 more are needed. And I just don't have the strength to write one more word. But then, I remember what my mother's reaction to another bad test of mine will be, as I force myself to push through.
".....will give me now." I am not able to hear what our teacher just said as I look up at her confused but then widen my eyes when I see time is up. Shit. I am not done yet. But it's too late, everyone has left, even my friends. Sighing, I get up but am about to fall, however, I hold the chair and stable myself. I go to her desk and hand her my test as she nods and gives me the 'you can leave' gesture as I do. I want to go home, right now. I think I have a high fever too. Instead of going to my friends like I usually would, I go to the courtyard and sit on a bench where there is sun on me. It makes me feel better; barely. I want to cry, I didn't do good, again. Looking nowhere but at the ground, I flinch when someone slaps my back, hard. I yell and feel tears at the corner of my eyes.
"Woah, what happened Alex?" Gracie says laughing. I have never felt like crying or being angry at her for slapping me ever before but right now, with this bad condition of mine, her slap just felt like piercing through my heated body. I would have laughed and chased her if it was another day but right now, I hiss loudly and painfully. She probably didn't even notice how I am not ok. No one ever does. Until I tell them. And for some reason, I hate telling anyone that I am not ok. She stops laughing when she sees I don't laugh but just look at her, more like glare. I steal my gaze away from her and back to the ground. I can't take my anger out on her.
"Hey, you ok?"
"I just feel a little sick. I am tired." Tired of possibly fucking up everything.
"What..." She keeps her hand on my forehead and gasps loudly.
"Goddamn! You are hot!"
"Yeah, I know." I say with a smug smile as she shakes her head and looks at me with a 'stop always making a joke out of everything face. I chuckle and shrug.
"You should go home."
"Yeah, I want to. I am really...not ok. I feel weird. I can't talk. I just....feel...weak. My body feels weak. I don't have the strength to stand." Her concerned hazel eyes look into my tired dark brown ones as she sighs again.
"Alex, wait. Let me call all of those idiots." I don't respond to her as I don't have the strength to, and she leaves.
"Alex?! Alex...what the hell is going on?"
I hear Jason as squinting my eyes I look up at him and smile slightly.
"So, you are gonna talk to me now?" I say playfully. He sighs and bends a little to hold my hands and rubs them slightly.
"Alex, you need to go home." He says looking at me with sincerity and way more concern than anyone has ever shown me yet. It almost makes me cry.
"I wanna go home too. I wanna lay down, I don't have the energy to stand up or walk or talk. But the college won't end for another hour."
"So what? I don't give a damn. I will drop you home right now. You need rest." He says with urgency still rubbing my hands as it makes me feel better, warmer, safer.
"Jay....we all know this isn't possible. They will never let anyone leave until we are dead. We tried the last time remember? When that girl from the other class fainted? She was taken to another room instead of a hospital. And I am still conscious." I suddenly tremble finding it hard to stay seated in an upright position any longer.
"You are not okay, Alex. Fuck these bastards. You need to fucking go to a hospital right now!" He raises his voice and I see anger, concern, and panic in his eyes.
"Hey, Alex is everything okay? You really seem tired." I smile hearing Laura. Yeah, she is right. I am tired. Finally, someone can see it. They are all near me. Too nearby. Get away.
"They are saying make her drink water and all. Since only an hour is left, she can manage." Kate says with anger. And I see the same concern and panic in her expression. She probably went to the staff to inform them that a kid is almost on the verge of fainting and needs to go home right now and they said she has to manage since only an hour is left. Fucking bastards for real. I look at them and smile at them.
"Guys, I will manage."
"Manage my ass. I don't fucking care, Alex! I am taking you home." Jay says about to pull me up, but I look at him, really look at him.
"Jason, relax. You know it's not gonna work."
"Alex, let's go. You can't stay here like this." Scott says making me look at him and sigh. Laura speaks up instead,
"I want to take her home too, Scott, but you know we can do nothing."
"Heartless fucking educationists, huh! My foot." Jason is almost shaking with anger, and it makes me happy that someone notices my pain, someone cares. Though the rest of my friends notice too, it's only when I show them. And it's not really their fault. I am a good fucking masker of emotions. I can say I am crying happy tears though it might be because of spilled hot coffee on my hand. They will never know me until I let them. But Jason knows. He knows everything. And so, he is being really sensitive right now. But I don't have the strength anymore.
".....needs to lay--" I cut off whatever Kate was saying with my low groan.
"Just be quiet, please. My head hurts like shit. I will be fine if ya'll stop yelling and calm the fuck down. An hour will pass just calm down." I say, my voice barely audible but they get it as they are almost over me.
"I--"
"Jason....shut up I swear." He sighs and curses colorful words as I chuckle slightly.
"Hey, I need a shoulder you know." He quickly sits beside me on the bench and makes my head rest on his shoulder as I close my eyes and exhale deeply. Peace at last.
"Should I get her juice? Or water? Or biscuits? I am sure she skipped breakfast like always."
Kate says with an 'I know her better than anyone' tone making me laugh silently, also because she is right. I didn't do breakfast and she does know me well. Even better than I know myself. She just doesn't know about my coping with emotional pain method and I would prefer it that way.
"Yeah. Kate, get her something." Laura says as Kate nods and leaves with Gracie. I want to tell them no because I don't even have the strength to eat but I especially can't argue so I stay silent with my eyes closed and my head on Jay's warm, broad shoulder. I feel so secure and safe like I always do with these idiots.
"I will pack your things, okay? Scott, stay with her." Laura says and she leaves with Alessia. These two are closer to each other the most in the group. I can't help but feel a little pinch whenever Laura prioritizes Alessia. I just don't understand her. She says I am her best friend too, like Alessia, but at times, she acts like Alessia matters more. I just don't want her to make me feel like I am her priority and then ditch me. It hurts me. I think I already have enough of those people around me.
"I wish I could scold you right now. But you seem so vulnerable for me to even glare at you." I let out a scoff-laugh hearing Jason.
"Yeah. Be polite and stop being a jerk." He chuckles.
"I am letting you go this time." I smile and instead of his shoulder, I lay my head on his lap, curling my legs and bringing my hands to my chest to stop the shivers. Jason doesn't say anything though I feel his body going stiff but then when he feels me shiver, he takes off his button-down shirt and covers me with it. It almost does cover me, and it makes me laugh. I tilt my head to look at him and find him already looking at me. He is now only in his white plain tee.
"Thanks."
"You know I hate that." He snaps and glares at me. I laugh and bringing my face back to its original position close my eyes trying to relax.
"Alex? You are shaking. Should I get you a warm coat? Oh wait...here is my jacket." Scott says and lays his warm jacket over me. And I feel way better.
"Thanks Scott."
"Nah, no need. But do you need anything else?" Why won't Jason make him stop speaking? Because he knows all I want right now is quiet. Since Jay doesn't say anything, I say with my eyes still closed and my head on his lap.
"I just need quiet."
"Got it." He finally stops speaking and I feel him sit on the other side.
"You can leave, Scott." I mutter.
"No way, how can I leave you alone?" I want to remind him that Jason is literally right here, my head on his lap, but I am totally drained so I just let it be and finally go to sleep.
....