Chapter 23: The Coward in the Loop.
October 12th.
There are still six days left.
Six days until that day.
Until the moment everything breaks-again.
"What happened to me... shouldn't happen to anyone else." That's my only wish. But I'm not sure if I've said that before... or if I'm just remembering.
I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling fan, its slow, looping spin matching the pace of my thoughts-Or the absence of them.
No emotion. No pain.
Just silence.
Like it's been before.
They said the one who did it was a Source User.
That part never changes.
Every version of this moment ends the same:
A source user-untouchable.
The world turns a blind eye because they're too powerful to prosecute.
No consequences. No justice.
Just like last time.
They didn't return me to my family.
They threw me.
I still remember the chill of the air against my skin, wrapped in a tattered cloth. My arms and legs bore
bruises-too many.
But I didn't feel any of it.
Not then.
Maybe not even now.
Just like before.
And then came the eyes.
Those looks-
Sadness.
Pity.
Grief in the shape of love.
I hate them.
I've always hated them.
No matter how many times this happens, those looks never change.
They make me feel like I've already died and they're mourning me.
My mother, aunt, and grandmother helped clean me.
Their hands were warm. Too gentle.
I remember this part.
Their faces were always the same. Kind but fragile.
Trying not to cry.
They dressed me.
Then left me alone.
That's how the loop continues. Alone.
They came later to talk.
Uncle. Grandfather. Cousin. Sister.
I spoke.
I always speak at this part.
Mechanical, honest, dull.
Not because I want to.
But because the script doesn't let me change anything.
Then I heard his voice.
Akeshi-kun.
Still gentle. Still worried.
Still unaware of how much I've changed.
No matter the version-he always shows up.
He always tries.
He always blames himself.
And I always let him.
'It's because of me.'
That thought crept into my head again.
Or maybe it never left.
I walked into the living room, rehearsing the same lines I must've said dozens of times in other loops-
"Go away."
"You don't belong here."
I didn't want him to see me like this.
Impure.
Damaged.
But then, I said it.
Too much.
I said what happened. And the words made me vomit.
It's always like that.
My body rejects the memory.
My heart rejects the pain.
I grabbed the mirror. Looked at my face.
Scrubbed myself raw.
Sanitizer. Soap. Tears.
Still not clean.
Still not enough.
And yet I know-no matter how many times I try to erase him,
he remains.
Then came the yelling.
I already knew what I'd see before I looked.
My mother.
Beating Akeshi-kun.
Cornering him.
Blaming him.
He always takes it.
Like it's fate.
He never fights back.
Because he believes, in some twisted way, that this pain is his to carry.
And I?
I always watch.
Silent.
Useless.
I don't stop her.
I don't protect him.
'He'll find someone better.'
That thought haunts me in every timeline.
Someone cleaner. Warmer. Deserving.
He changed his shifts just to talk to me.
Gave up sleep for me.
And what did I give him?
Nothing.
"I am a coward. That's what I've become."
"A coward who watched the one I loved get broken in front of me... again."
His eyes looked for mine.
Begged for something.
A reason to stay.
But I turned away.
Just like I always do.
I wanted to speak.
I tried. But fear always wins.
Fear of my mother.
Fear of the weight of my own voice.
Fear that even if I screamed, nothing would change.
Because maybe none of this ever does.
My sister blamed him.
My grandmother too.
They needed a reason. And Akeshi-kun was convenient.
I stayed silent. Just like last time.
But then...
My father spoke.
He said it wasn't Akeshi-kun's fault.
And for the first time in this loop, my chest loosened.
A single divergence. A crack in the repetition.
Could this be the moment things change?
Still...
It's October 12th.
And I know what waits in five days.
I always know.
Unless this time is different.
Unless I become more than the coward in the loop.
Unless I fight back.
But everything is still happening the way it always does. Scene by scene. Word for word.
From the very beginning.
The first time I locked eyes with Akeshi-kun in the garden behind the school, I already knew the ending.
That soft wind. That silver light behind his shoulder. His quiet voice-
"Do you want to eat with me?"
I didn't answer right away. Not because I was shy.
But because I was remembering.
Remembering how that moment ends.
I remember how I started to smile again.
How I began to hope.
How he always became the one to dig me out of the dark.
And how I always found myself here.
On this bed.
Staring at this ceiling.
Feeling that cold, indifferent air after it happens.
'Aqua'.
The name tastes fake. Plastic. Like something borrowed from a cheap novel.
But he plays his part well.
He always does.
Every loop, he finds a way in.
Every loop, he touches what should never be touched.
And every loop, he disappears into the shadows while the world shrugs.
And while I curl up on this bed, waiting for the end credits to roll, the next scene unfolds outside.
My family.
Their grief.
Their rage.
Their shame.
All of it plays out exactly the same.
Mother, furious, tearing into Akeshi-kun with words sharp enough to wound.
She thinks she's protecting me.
But all she's doing is sinking further into her own guilt.
I saw it before it happened.
Her anger isn't hers-it's borrowed from helplessness.
Grandma, quiet, composed.
But behind her silence is a scream she never lets out.
She holds the family together, pretending this isn't the third time her hands have been stained with sorrow.
Father, still trying to make sense of it.
His voice trying to carry certainty, but cracking on the syllables.
He'll blame himself in private.
He always does.
He'll wonder if he should've picked me up that day.
If he should've told me not to go out.
If it's his fault I was born a girl in a world that preys on softness.
Emiya, quiet. Watching.
He wants to act.
Wants to hurt someone.
But he won't. Not yet.
He'll channel it into cold glances and clenched fists.
He'll read books on law.
He'll dream of changing the system.
But like always, the system won't change for him.
Akeshi-kun...
He'll look like a ghost for the rest of the week.
He'll keep smiling in public.
Keep baking cakes everyone will eat and praise.
He'll call me once at midnight-then again.
I'll see his name flicker on my screen.
And I won't answer.
Because if I answer, I'll cry.
And I've cried enough.
All of this?
I saw it the moment Aqua reached for my wrist.
I didn't resist.
Not because I was weak.
But because I was busy watching.
Watching this moment repeat for the fifth time.
The sixth.
Maybe more.
Like a play on repeat.
Same curtains. Same blood. Same silence.
And yet...
Something's different now.
Maybe it's the way I stared at the ceiling.
Maybe it's the way I didn't flinch when they bathed me.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm still thinking instead of breaking.
Maybe... I've finally reached the part of the loop where I get to change the ending.
I know who Aqua is.
Not just his name.
What he is.
A puppet carved from privilege.
A thing built to be untouchable.
A creature who mistakes lack of consequence for power.
And I know the laws won't touch him.
I know the courts will look away.
But that's fine.
They don't need to do anything.
Because I'm still here.
I've seen how the others rage.
How they cry.
How they scream about justice that never arrives.
But me?
I'm just sitting here.
Hands folded. Voice calm.
Looking out the window like I've done a hundred times.
And I whisper...
"I honestly feel bad for 'Aqua'"