I start flipping through the novel aimlessly, only to realize that from the point where I stopped, the rest of the book is blank.
'Was it a printing error? That might explain the dream. I must've noticed the book was misprinted, passed out from disappointment, and my subconscious spun a hyper-realistic dream to make up for it…'
I can't just leave it at this. What time is it? I check my phone's clock.
'10:54. Good, the bookstore should be open.'
I stand and search for the receipt.
"Damn it, where's that stupid piece of paper?!"
I rummage everywhere, but no luck. The receipt's gone.
'I get it. That's why I didn't exchange it at the bookstore yesterday. I lost the receipt. Damn it!'
I sit back down, staring at the blank pages with a lost expression.
"Screw it!"
Making up my mind, I stand and head to the chest in my room. I pull out the clothes stored inside.
"There you are."
I take out a small wooden box the size of my palm. Without hesitation, I open it. Inside is a stack of bills and coins—my savings from nearly twenty years. Pathetic, really.
I pull out 2,000 yen, roughly the price of a novel volume. Yes, I'm planning to buy a new one.
Why go as far as dipping into my savings? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's a way to console myself that it was just a dream.
I throw on my faded coat, grab my phone, and head for the door. My hand reaches for the handle but stops a few millimeters short.
"Wait a second."
Wanting to confirm something, I pull my phone from my coat pocket and examine it.
"This makes no sense."
It's not my phone—or it is, but… no. To be clear, it's supposed to be the phone I received as a first-year student at Koudo Ikusei, Kōenji Rokusuke.
'What's it doing in my hands right now?'
"Don't tell me…"
A wild thought hits me.
'But what's going on? Everything feels so real… Still, it would explain why the parts of the book I don't remember reading are blank. A dream? If so, how do I wake up?'
I try slapping or pinching my cheek, but all I get is a stinging sensation.
'Why aren't I waking up?'
I keep hitting myself, but nothing happens.
"Wake up already! Let me out of this shitty world! I want to go back!"
I start yelling stupidly, hitting harder. Come on! Come on!
After a few minutes, I stop. I can feel my cheeks swelling.
"Damn it!!"
I punch the wall to my right, furious.
'It's obviously a dream… So why won't I wake up?'
"Calm down. If it's a dream, I'll wake up eventually, right?"
Comforting myself with those words, I manage to relax. I go back to sit on the living room rug, waiting to wake up.
Time drags on. One minute, thirty minutes, an hour, two hours, three hours…
"I-I'm going to wake up, right?"
It's 5:00 PM. In the meantime, I've dozed off countless times. But every time I wake, it's the same scene.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Why won't I wake up?
My eyes land on the kitchen as a dark thought crosses my mind.
I stand and head to the kitchen. Near the dishwasher, I grab a knife.
'If I kill myself here, I'll go back to being Kōenji, right?'
With trembling hands, I bring the knife close to my chest.
'Yeah, it's just a dream, isn't it?'
I pull out my phone.
'It's the exact one I got from Koudo Ikusei. I can even see my remaining points, contacts, and messages. I'm not crazy—it has to be a dream.'
Steeling my resolve, I go to press the knife… but I can't.
'Why can't I do it?!'
My hands lower as tears stream down my red cheeks.
'It's a dream. I won't really die. Why am I hesitating? Why am I scared?'
I put the knife back.
Then I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the raised aluminum lid of the stove. A gaunt, life-worn face. Tired. Lifeless.
"Screw it!"
Seeing my face, I shout in rage.
'What's there to hesitate about? There's nothing in this shitty life. I have to go back. I have to start over.'
My hands stop trembling, gripping the knife firmly. With a quick, sharp motion, I do the unthinkable.
My vision blurs as blood gushes from my mouth. My body can't hold me up, and I collapse pathetically to the floor. I don't feel pain, just my senses fading one by one. First touch, then hearing, then sight, and finally…
'Please, let me go back there. Please…'
In total darkness, a screen flickers on and grows larger. Through it, I see a man lying in a pool of blood.
'Is that me?'
Still confused, I hear a door open in the same scene.
"Matsushita-san! You missed work again today."
'Yoshida…'
It's Yoshida, just entering. He looks around, then turns toward the kitchen.
"Matsushita-san?"
He reaches the dishwasher and sees the body—me.
"Matsushita-san? Mat-Matsushita… san… MATSUSHITA-SAN!!!!!"
Yoshida screams in grief, rushing to my body, ignoring the blood staining his clothes.
"Matsushita-san, no… No! Wake up, damn it!"
The scene ends with Yoshida holding me, sobbing.
The screen goes dark, then lights up again.
This time, the setting is different. A group of people in black stands around a grave.
'I see…'
I don't need to read the name on the tombstone; I already know who they're mourning.
I didn't expect so many people.
There's Mifune-san, who hired me for the team. Beside him are my coworkers: Ogami, Tachibana, Yamazaki, Seta, Kanemoto, Masato… And, of course, Yoshida, who looks the most broken.
"Y-you seemed off. Why didn't I realize you were hurting? I'm sorry, Matsushita-san…"
Yoshida keeps blaming himself, whispering apologies.
'It's not your fault, Yoshida. It was my choice.'
I want to reassure him, tell him it was my decision.
'I'm sorry… Wait, what?! What are they doing here?'
In the distance, two figures in black stand out. As if the screen reads my thoughts, the scene zooms in on them.
A man of average height, lean, exuding a refined aura. Amber eyes and brown hair tied in a ponytail. Beside him, a young woman with rose-purple eyes and long brown hair reaching just above her lower back. Her side bangs partially cross her cheeks and fall to her neck. They stand together, watching the funeral from afar. Behind them, two large men hold umbrellas to shield the pair from the sun.
Though it's been nearly thirty years since I last saw them, I still recognize them.
Kaze and Fumiko, my brother and sister.
'You came to mock me, huh? It's fine, I deserve it.'
"Why, nii-san?"
I hear Kaze's voice.
"Should I have stopped Father that day? I thought it'd help you get back on your feet. Mifune-san assured me you were doing better. So why did you do it, nii-san?"
'Mifune-san? So that's…'
"I'm sorry, nii-san. I'm sorry, I should've come for you. Why…"
Fumiko speaks now. I see what looks like tears streaming beneath her dark sunglasses.
And just like that, the second scene ends.
The screen goes dark and doesn't light up again.
'You wanted to show me that, huh? That there were still people who cared about me… Now what?'
In response to my question, a blinding light appears in the darkness. At the end of it, I see a well-built teenage boy, taller than average, with straight blond hair to his shoulders and brown eyes. Without hesitation, I reach for him.
'Yes, I want to start over. No more regrets.'
As I reach out, the light engulfs me completely.
'It's time to go back.'
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