The day began with birdsong and ended in madness.
Rei had made the fatal mistake of saying, "I feel a little better today."
Within minutes, he was abducted from his bedroom by two armored maids carrying him like a rolled-up carpet. Before he could scream, a silk cloth had been shoved into his mouth — not to gag him, but to measure his bite width "for ceremonial cake chewing compatibility."
And that, somehow was the most normal part of the day.
He was brought not to a clinic, or garden, or sunny reading room—but to the Grand Atrium of Velvet Manor, which had been converted into what could only be described as a matrimonial war zone.
Velvet curtains had been hung from the chandeliers. Those banners embroidered with "LILIA ♥ REI" in crimson thread fluttered across the balconies. A harpist was playing something suspiciously similar to the Imperial March. And someone standing in the center of it all, dressed in a wedding gown so white it threatened to blind him, it was Lilia.
His older sister. She turned slowly, a smile blooming like blood from a clean incision.
"Rei" Lilia said sweetly, her voice echoing like a hymn in a cathedral. "I've been waiting."
"W-Wait—Lilia—what is this?!" Rei gasped, looking around frantically. "This isn't normal!"
The maids set him down on a velvet cushion, backed away, and bowed like they'd just delivered a sacred sacrifice.
"This," Lilia said, walking forward with deliberate, ethereal grace, "is the Groom Fitting Ceremony. You remember don't you?"
"No?!" Rei said.
She blinked, tilting her head.
"Oh dear. You must still be recovering. It's a family tradition and all noble households do this. This is just an older sister holds a private rehearsal with her little brother—just in case."
"In case of what?!"
"In case he dies before the real wedding," she said serenely.
Rei made a sound that can only be described as a panicked guffaw. "I—I—Lilia, we're siblings!"
Lilia stopped in front of him, lowered herself gracefully, and cupped his cheeks in her gloved hands. "We're not blood-related."
Rei's brain did a hard reboot. "W-What?! Since when?!"
Lilia leaned closer, her smile as calm and sharp as a guillotine. "Since I edited the family tree."
"You—you what—"
"By the authority vested in me as the Duchess's daughter, I declared your blood lineage 'heavily redacted' and submitted the revision to the national archive. It was approved yesterday."
"That's not how genealogy works!" Rei said.
"I also bribed the Church's recordkeeper with a signed photo of you." Lilia said with a smile.
"You did what?!"
Lilia hummed and rose to her feet, adjusting the folds of her dress. It was a masterwork of lace and satin, with a high collar trimmed in black velvet. The skirt flared like a moonlit rose, layered with crimson roses and shadow-petal veils.
But the most chilling part is stitched in delicate blood-red embroidery across the bodice, over her heart, were three initials.
R. A. L.
It was his initials.
"Do you like it?" she asked innocently, spinning once.
Rei didn't answer and his jaw was still in freefall.
"It's my third rehearsal dress," she continued thoughtfully. "The first one had a few… stain issues. And the second caught fire after Rosette tried to adjust the veil with a candle. This one's fireproof and waterproof and warded against explosive runaways."
He blinked. "Explosive—?"
"Would you like to try on your ceremonial collar?" she asked sweetly.
"Nope."
"The bridal leash?"
"Nope."
"The matching thigh garters?"
Rei stood up and bolted.
The harpist stopped playing. The maids gasped and Lilia's smile froze.
He darted past the flower arches, leapt over the punch bowl (which smelled oddly like healing potion), and sprinted toward the double doors.
Unfortunately, the doors were shut tight and guarded by two very large butlers with muscles that had muscles.
"Excuse me, gentlemen," Rei wheezed, "but I'm fleeing a marriage rehearsal with my psychotic older sister—can we pretend I'm a diplomat and let me through?"
The butlers looked at each other. Then they bowed.
"For you, young master," one said. "Always."
The doors swung open and Lilia's voice echoed behind him.
"Rei ! Don't be shy! You haven't even seen the honeymoon chamber!"
He screamed like a banshee and ran.
Through the hallways up to the stairs, then around a corner. He dashed past three maids mid-dusting, who bowed politely and said, "Congratulations, Master Rei," as he fled like a man possessed.
He took a sharp turn into the west wing, tripped over a cat, rolled into a suit of armor, and finally found salvation: A chandelier.
It was very large, elaborate and unnecessary chandelier above the ballroom.
With no hesitation, Rei grabbed the nearest curtain rope, yanked it like a swashbuckler in a pirate movie, and launched himself upward.
"YAAAHHHH—"
He clung to the crystal vines like a sloth, panting, swaying thirty feet above the polished marble.
Below, Lilia entered the ballroom with practiced grace, followed by a parade of flower girls, violinists, and a small choir singing hymns in ancient Elvish.
"Rei," she called, looking up. "That's not your perch. Come down and I'll give you your ceremonial choker!"
"NO THANK YOU."
She frowned slightly.
"Now, now. Don't make me use the sedative darts."
He stared in disbelief. "You armed the flower girls?!"
"Only the well-trained ones."
The youngest girl, she was not older than five, pulled a tiny crossbow from her bouquet and aimed it skyward with deadly precision.
Rei yelped and scrambled higher. And the chandelier groaned.
"Lilia, please be reasonable!" he shouted. "You can't just marry your little brother because he woke up from a coma!"
"But you said you loved me most before you fell," Lilia murmured, her eyes going glassy. "You held my hand and you said, 'Lilia is my angel.' You looked at me like I was your entire world."
"I had brain damage!!"
She blinked and stunned.
Then choir gasped. Even the chandelier stopped swaying.
Then Lilia sniffled. Just a little.
"Then… then everything you said was a lie?"
"Oh no," Rei whispered. "That's not what I meant—"
"You're saying I'm not your angel?" she asked, eyes brimming with tears.
"No, no, you are—uh—everyone's angel! National angel! Global angel! UNESCO-certified angel!"
Lilia brightened instantly.
"I knew it," she smiled. "You're just shy."
Then she turned to the choir.
"Begin the vows!"
"HOLD ON—!"
The choir sang. Then Lilia raised her hand to her heart and declared:
"I, Lilia Alister, do solemnly swear to take Rei as my one true husband, companion, and life partner, to cherish in sickness and in health, in blood and battle, in shadow and light, until death—or apotheosis—do us part."
She looked up. "Your turn~"
Rei stared down from the chandelier, trembling.
Then he did what any sane man would do.
He pulled the emergency detachment crystal from his pocket — the one Rosette had hidden in his sleeve during the hugging incident — and slammed it against the chandelier stem.
A flash of red and created a puff of smoke.
CRACK!
The chandelier broke loose.
"OH NO—"
He fell—screaming—all the way down.
The fall should've killed him.
Instead, it dropped him perfectly onto the ballroom buffet table, shattering three cake tiers and a mountain of wedding pastries. Whipped cream exploded. Candied roses rained from the ceiling and a goose ran out of the pudding.
Rei groaned, his tux now frosted.
Lilia ran to him. "Rei! Are you alright?!"
He looked up at her, gasped, and croaked—
"Help me escape and I'll marry you in five years."
Her eyes sparkled.
"Four."
"Fine!"
She beamed.
"Then let's get you cleaned up. The next rehearsal is in thirty minutes."
"…I walked into that, didn't I."
She offered her hand like a saint.
Rei took it like a prisoner accepting his last meal.
And as the choir resumed singing and the maids swept up the crumbs, somewhere in the rafters above, a single bat wearing a tiny tuxedo fluttered down, holding an RSVP letter from the Demon Queen.
But that… was another chapter.
To be continued…