"Thats right"
"What... no... who told you?... why?" He had the look of dread on his face, like his worst nightmare had come true.
"Thats right, my first night here i heard the full story from hannah" he looked at me in disbelief before standing up so fast and running out the door
"Theo" I screamed trying to run after him but mother held my hand stopping me.
"We need to talk dear" father's voice was distant, his usual affection was gone and a grim look settled across his face.
"It would be better if you heard from theo directly but...." his voice trailed off as he hung his head. Mother placed her hand over his and squeezed gently.
"I thought he knew..... I thought he was the one who gave the order for me to be told the truth if I ever asked. I didn't know..... had I known.... I would have died with the truth..... I need to go after him" she held my hand tightly urging me to stay back and sit down.
"I gave the order..... I told the staff in the castle that if an outsider ever asked for information regarding that incident, it means they are willing to view Theodore without prejudice. So I told them to come clean about it" I wasn't paying attention, I need to go to theo. I didn't know.... I should have been more attentive.... I hurt him.... I hurt him... what did I do.
"Clarisa" mothers voice pulled me out of a trance.
"As the future duke he was too soft, at 10 he was still trailing along his mother, helping her dry her hair, going on tea dates, picking matching clothes together. I didn't grow up with ideal parents but it still filled my heart up to watch both of them together, we were truly happy." Father hadn't lifted his head once while he spoke, I could tell it was an unpleasant memory for him but mother just held on to him as he spoke.
"A rumor began to circulate in high society that Isabella was too weak and if theo dies we would have to adopt a child from the vassals as our heir."
"I had a very difficult pregnancy and delivery, so Oliver and I decided that theo was going to be the only child we have. We don't know how the rumor started but the flies began buzzing"
"He was the second son of a count, he felt that since he wasn't going to fight for the position with his elder brother, the family needed to help with his succession of the duchy. He was 18 at the time so he felt we would accept him instantly since he would be able to help us with the duties of the duchy instantly. " his voice grew grimer
"Its okay Oliver... I know how much the guilt eats you up, I'll tell it from here" I never knew father had this much guilt over it, you would think as something that happened 8 years ago they would have moved on from it.
"After the first assassination attempt we knew the ones behind the whole incident but theo wanted to pardon them, i tried explaining to him that they were evil people, but he just couldn't get over killing his fiancée. Especially with people calling him a monster, the guilt made him start having panic attacks. So we had to listen to him and pardon them all including the family of the baron that adopted the assassin." Mother acts like she wasn't affected but she was, she looked to be on the verge of tears.
"He still had his friends and they were able to help him overcome the incident and things were slowly beginning to get better, but the second incident... theo never remained the same..... how do you calm down a 12 year old that just had his fiancée call him a monster that needed to die? How do you tell him it's not his fault? How do you make him understand that it's not him that's the monster, but those after his life?"
I could tell they had never told anyone else this story, they had to remain strong for theo, so they couldn't show any weakness to him.
"After that we decided not to accept any more marriage proposals, because the same thing would just continue to happen."
I could see she was struggling to continue, the room went silent and her ragged breathing was all that was left.
"When I saw him bleeding, his shirt soaked in blood... my baby looked like his heart was on fire.... I couldn't breathe..... my theo.... he was suffering.... because of what? I looked in his eyes and it could see the distrust.... my innocent theo that always had pure eyes..... he looked at me like he was dead..... I wanted to rip them all to shreds.....they stole his innocence..... but my son was suffering, he was unconscious for 3 days, he needed me once and I disappointed him. So this time I stayed by his bed side, nursing him to health.... if I lost my son... my theo..... I don't think I would remain the same" father hugged her as she was full on sobbing now. I wanted to end the conversation but I could just tell that mother needed to get it out, if we left things here today. She will never have rest of mind.
"When he woke up, he protected ivy and Jordan.... but each time I ran into them in the castle.... I was so close to tearing them apart, so I asked for them to be removed from my line of sight whenever they visited. Just the thought of them made my blood boil, but theo said he needed them... he coated his hands in blood to protect them, so we had our hands tied..... everyone thinks it was Oliver that advised theo to take action against those three houses but only I, theo and Oliver know the truth. Theo had walked into the office that evening to ask for permission to wipe them from the history of runan.... he was okay with them targeting him, but going after his friends was his breaking point.... when he got back that night, I lost my son forever, I lost his smile, his happiness.... his innocence.....i had lost my son....." she couldn't barely form words as she sobbed, so father had cradled her in his arms.
"I should have never left them alone, had I destroyed them after the first attempt, theo wouldn't have needed to suffer so much.... no, had I just done my due diligence the second time, then we would have been able to prevent it.... I was the duke, I was responsible for the lives and happiness of everyone in the duchy... but when my son needed me most I failed him just because I didn't want to disappoint him.... he might have hated me for destroying them after the first attempt but I would have been able to protect his smile... his innocence and his joy"
Mother was still sobbing badly so father carried her in his arms and exited the room.
Sitting in the silence I couldn't begin to process the amount of grief and guilt they all went through. Was anyone really at fault here? Was there a right and wrong answer? Whose fault was it?
I don't know how long I stayed in the silence before father returned.
"I put her to sleep, she should feel better by daybreak" father had sat down back, he had a bittersweet smile on his face.
"Father.... it wasn't your fault" he looked up and smiled
"I know that... but there is a small voice deep down that blames me. It was my duty to protect my family and i failed both of them"
He stretched across the table to grab my hand.
"That's why I'll never fail them again, it might have been overwhelming for you with us coming in heavy but theo means the world to us. When we saw his smile the moment we entered the castle grounds, it took everything we had not to start crying....it took us 8 years..... 8 agonizing years of watching him give up.....8 years of watching him suffer....so....so.... you are family now clarisa, which means we will protect you.... even if the world turns against you..... you will always have us." He face turned serious and I knew he meant eveery word, he would actually fight the whole world to protect me.
"Father.... theo means the world to me too. He also helped me find my smile, theo means happiness to me..... I'm prepared to fight the whole world to protect the smile on his face too." He laughed gently before leaning back in his seat.
"Thank you... it may sound like simple words but thank you dear, i truly mean it, please take good care of our son."
I crawled into bed with him, hugging him from behind, this is the first time I'm the one hold him in my arms although it feels out of place.
"I didn't want to show you that side of me..... I wanted to only show you the good sides of me..... the sides I'm not ashamed of... I wanted to hide my ugly sides from you..... I never wanted you to see the monster that I am..... I was scared I would corrupt the beauty that was you" each word were in between breaths, his body wasn't trembling, he wasn't crying but it felt lonely. It was like his deepest darkest secrets just got shown to the whole world.
I didn't know what to say to him so I just held him tight, what do I say to make him feel better? How do I put it in words that he isn't a monster? How do I help alleviate his pain even by the slightest bit? Would my words be enough to soothe him?
"Was i wrong to only want to show you my good side? I didn't deceieve you on purpose.... I was..... i was.... some things are hard to put into words.... i had to do it.." I didn't want to rush him, I wanted him to slowly open up to me and even if he decided to keep hiding it I don't care, I have decided to love him without restraint so that what I'm going to do flaw and all.
"I didn't want to..... i didn't want to..... but ..... but..... i had people to protect... i had to make sure no one got hurt because of me..... i needed to protect those I swore to protect..... it was my duty..... i didn't have a choice" his words were whispers at this point, it must be hard revisiting those days, but he still did just for me.
"So what's right do i have to be happy? To desire a family?"
"All I ever wanted, was to be happy.... I just wanted someone who would accept me for who I was..... that's why I didn't show you this side of me.....I didn't want to scare you.....I'm a monster.....I don't deserve happiness...but i wanted to be happy with you.....I wanted to be by your side just a little longer.....I wanted to hide myself from you just a little longer... was it wrong of me to dream of a happy future with you?"
Just the way I had found happiness in him, he had found happiness in me. In the end we were two flawed people just searching for happiness.
"My love look at me" he hesitated
"Theo, look at me" I tried to turn him around but failed, I tapped him gently a few times before he spun around.
"Look me in the eyes my love" I hold his face staring into his eyes.
"Its not your fault.... it wasn't your fault..... you are not a monster, at least to me you aren't a monster. Remember what you said my love, i'm always on your side... because you belong to me... don't think you can get ride of me by saying you are a monster..... if you want, i can become a monster too and we will be the perfect monster couple... i knew the truth from the beginning and i was never scared of you..... you belong to me so why would i be scared of you?" I caressed his cheeks gently, I smiled as I pulled him into a hug stroking his back and patting him on the head.
"It must have been hard.....you did good my love.... i dont care what others think of you.... to me....you are my salvation and my happiness..... my life has no meaning without you...." he nuzzled into me, I could feel his breath against my neck.
"Its not your fault my love, although i cannot begin to understand the guilt you feel or the heart break you went through.... I'll always be here right beside you.... so you can show me all sides of you..... and I'll love you for it all"
I could feel him smile gently as he began to kiss me, I let him continue as I enjoyed the pleasure I was feeling.
"Every part of you belongs to me theo, your heart....your body....and even your soul. So if you want to spend your life serving.... serve me.....I'll happily share your sins and your guilt."