We didn't speak while we walked back to the Ranch House. Not a word. She trailed behind me. I didn't take occasional glances at her.
I was too deep in my own thoughts to be doing anything. I felt like a dumbass…and a jerk both at the same time. I thought what I was doing, or what I was teaching Rei would be good. Good for the community, and herself.
I thought she was going to be good.
But she wasn't.
And I can't say I'm surprised.
Because I think by this, I've caused a greater divide between her and her community, her own race. I did the opposite of what I was intended on doing.
I spoke about unity, and stood there like a buffoon when I watched said "unity" play out.
I'm a hypocrite. And a hypocrite like me should've died a long time ago.
And maybe, I can still resolve this.
I stop walking. Rei's footsteps stop along mine.
I look towards her, face neutral as always. "Hey…"
My words trail. I don't know what to tell her. Her head tilts, confused. One thing I need to start with, is the poncho. Without that, then surely she wouldn't feel the need to copy every damn thing I say, right?
That might be the source of the problem.
And I blame myself there as well. I wanted to offload the pressure of it all. And I didn't even realize I gave her the authority to act like me in my stead.
All because I was tired of my own role.
I'm selfish, and I know it.
My hand reaches for the poncho, just slightly. Rei sees this, and pulls it away from me.
She looked away for a brief moment, "Do…do you really need this?"
"It fits me."
Her voice is light and soft as always…or usual now.
Ember eyes locking onto my hazel. I don't have the heart to tell her why I want it back. And I can't address the elephant in the room.
I thought I was protecting her. But all of this made me realize that I just don't know how.
"What you did back there…" I begin.
"Do you feel guilty? Any of it, actually?"
Rei seems to think for some time.
"No."
I slowly nod my head.
"...I see."
I continue walking. Rei does so as well, even leading with the same foot I do.
It's silent again. And it needs to be. I don't know where to start, honestly.
I guess Rei could've sensed it, and said two words that I didn't think she would.
"Breakfast Roulette…?"
I don't deny. I shouldn't be entertaining this. I'm supposed to be mad, blaming myself. But for some reason, I can't. I can't do it.
I'm going to tell her no, that there's no breakfast roulette. I need to stop this before it gets worse.
"…go ahead." Comes from my mouth instead.
Rei's face lights up. On cue. I can't tell if it's practiced, or genuine. Is that how people see me?
Is…is the other sees me? The Oni? Jex? Wayne?
I thought I took off my mask around them. Let them know about the real "Lucien" that's just a scared boy.
I don't know anymore.
"My turn. On a scale from 1 to…10, how good did I do back there?" She asks me. Asking the same way a student would do to a teacher.
I want to tell her that's it's not funny. That she needs to change.
"…8. Could've used a little bit more work on the composure, though." My mouth moves regardless of what I think.
She laughs, "You're only two years older than me. I think I'll learn in no time."
Learning…this isn't good, Rei. Refluxing what the system gave you isn't good. You need to stop.
"You're a natural. You'll get it." Comes from my mouth instead.
She dances ahead of me, almost galloping. Happy to hear those words. Once again, I can't tell if she's genuine or not.
So, I ask her.
"Hey, Rei." She stops, turns towards me. A playful smile.
"You…am I still your favorite?" I ask.
"Your favorite ranchmaster?"
Rei stares, "Hm? Why wouldn't you be? You're my favorite!" She gets closer to me.
"You should've seen the way you appeared. I blinked once, and you were there. All scary…and…and stuff."
She ran out of words to call me. But I think I'm more surprised on what she saw.
I could recall it, for a little bit. None of the girls saw me until I touched one of them. Was it a dream? Was all of this a dream?
Am I still dreaming now? Am…am I still sitting underneath the tree?
Rei waved her arm in front of me, "B-but that means I'm your favorite too, right?"
I nod.
"S-so…you won't leave me?"
I shake my head. I can't get myself to say it. I'm only here for six months. I…I can't stay here any longer than that unfortunately.
"…and prove those other girls right? Not a chance. I'll make them embarrassed." The line comes out practiced. Trained almost.
Her eyes light up, exactly what she wanted to hear. Maybe I played into it, but I'm too tired to care.
"That's what I thought! You're the best!"
I'm the only one, Rei.
I'm the only one who treats you like a decent being. And I'm afraid you've become so conditioned to it, that you wouldn't even know.
We continue walking.
"…you almost sounded like me back there." I mention lightly.
Her eyes widen, and I think she became flustered. Getting all shy. She struggled to elaborate or explain. But I leave it alone.
"…d-did I?" She asks, softly. But I couldn't tell once again. Felt more like confirmation. How am I supposed to change someone like her who takes from my worst qualities?
I want to discourage her, tell her no, you didn't.
"Yeah. It was like I was watching myself there." I just don't listen to myself anymore.
But, if there's one thing I can do. Maybe, maybe change her whole mindset. There has to be a place.
"Wanna go somewhere?" I ask out of nowhere.
"Like where?"
"Somewhere that isn't here."
Rei's slightly shocked, "S-seriously master!"
I nod my head.