"*This guy…*" Purple Iris rolled her eyes so hard they nearly did a backflip into her skull. One minute, the brat was spouting cringey lines like "Atop the realm of immortals, I scoff at the mortal world!" and the next, he was screaming "*Auntie, save me!*" like a toddler who'd spotted a spider. Talk about a *dramatic* personality whiplash. Zero shame. Negative shame, even.
**BOOOOM!**
Another earth-shaking explosion ripped through the air as the Great Xia Dynasty's Retired Emperor and Current Emperor—both glowing like overripe radioactive pumpkins—unleashed a barrage of sparkly divine attacks at Moon Goddess. Their magical onslaught looked like a Fourth of July fireworks show sponsored by a midlife crisis.
**ROAR!**
The Divine Tortoise Xuanwu bellowed, its shell gleaming like a Walmart parking lot after a rainstorm. With a casual flick of its claw, it tore a hole in reality itself, whisking Moon Goddess and her entourage away. Lightning zigzagged theatrically around them, as if the universe had hired a Hollywood special effects team. The tortoise shot a smug, *"Come at me, bro"* glance at the mortals below before vanishing, leaving the emperors fuming like toddlers denied candy.
"*Do something, you lazy barnacles!*" the Retired Emperor screeched, his beard trembling with rage. "*If that little gremlin Qin Feng makes it back to the Qin family, he'll start a TikTok trend about overthrowing us! And if the Shadowmoon Dynasty snatches him, they'll probably invent *nuclear chili oil* or something! Either way, WE'RE SCREWED!*"
The noble families exchanged glances sharper than a samurai's katana. Sure,Qin Feng was a walking red flag—he'd even dunked on his *own brother* for power. But taking him out? Risky. What if he pulled a *John Wick* and came back for revenge? Plus, why bother sweating for a fading dynasty? New emperors, same tax breaks. *Pass the nachos and crank up the mariachi band!*
Thus began the Most Pathetic Battle of All Time. The nobles lunged, twirled, and shouted battle cries with the intensity of a participation trophy. Their attacks? About as effective as a screen door on a submarine. One elder "accidentally" threw his sword into a tree. Another tripped over his own robes and took a *strategic nap*. Even the Qin family ancestors facepalmed—*"We taught them too well…"*
Moon Goddess side-eyed the Qin elders, who were busy sipping tea and betting on sparrow races. "*Aren't you supposed to, y'know, *stop me*?*" she called.
"*Nah,*" shrugged Qin Ancestor #3, adjusting his comically large bamboo hat. "*Three vs. one? Too sweaty. Two? Eh, we'll let the grandkids handle it.*"
The emperors' attacks bounced off Xuanwu's shell like popcorn kernels. "*This is worse than that time the royal chef burned the dumplings!*" the Current Emperor wailed as the tortoise moonwalked into the void.
---
**Shadowmoon Dynasty, Moon Goddess Palace**
The palace—a glittering monstrosity that screamed *"I'm rich and you're not"*—was in chaos. Moon Goddess strutted in with Qin Feng slung over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes, Purple Iris trailing behind, muttering about "*irritating little cheese puffs.*"
"*All hail Moon Goddess and the Disaster Child!*" the palace maidens chorused, bowing so low their noses brushed the floor.
"*Disaster Child!?*" Purple Iris squawked, indignant. "*I'll have you know I'm the next Moon Goddess!*" She struck a pose, accidentally knocking over a priceless jade vase.
"*Case in point,*"Qin Feng snickered, ducking as she lunged at him. Their slap fight escalated into a Looney Tunes chase—Qin Feng zip-lining across silk curtains, Purple Iris face-planting into a koi pond.
"*Enough!*" Moon Goddess clapped, summoning a shockwave of sparkles. "*Qin Feng, welcome to Girls' Night. You're our first-ever *Dude*. Congrats!*"
The maidens gasped. "*But the rules! No boys! No weirdos! No—*"
"*Relax,*" Moon Goddess purred, eyeing Qin Feng like a shiny new gadget. "*This one's a *limited edition*. We're calling him…Moon Dude™.*"
"*Moon Dude™!?*"Qin Feng recoiled. "*Is this a pyramid scheme? Am I gonna end up selling essential oils on Insta?*"
"*Worse,*" Purple Iris smirked. "*You'll have to wear *matching outfits* with me.*"
---
**Meanwhile, in Great Xia's Imperial Palace…**
Emperor Sparklebritches was having a meltdown. "*First, they steal our recipes! Now they've got a *walking natural disaster*! What's next—a TikTok dance to overthrow us?*"
His advisors shuffled nervously. "*Your Sparkliness, perhaps we should, uh, recruit commoners? Train them to, like, do stuff?*"
"*Commoners!?*" The nobles gasped in unison. "*Next you'll suggest letting them use *forks*!*"
But one advisor bravely wheezed, "*Sire! Princess Southwind found some kid who claims he can 'fix the nobility' with *duct tape and spite*!*"
The Emperor paused. "*…Does he know memes?*"
"*He *invented* memes, sire.*"
"*SOLD.*"
---
**Epilogue Teaser:**
Somewhere,Qin Feng's brother Qin Hao meditated furiously, his toddler face set in grim determination. "*I'll beat you…even if I have to invent *kung fu yoga*!*"
And in a shady tavern, Lin Three chugged a gallon of bubble tea. "*Next time,Qin Feng, I'll defeat you…or die trying! Probably die.*"
The stage was set—for chaos, chili oil, and questionable life choices. Let the shenanigans begin! 🥳