🎙️ [Chaotic intro music plays — a remix of kazoo, goat bleats, and what sounds like a fart synth]
"WAZZZZAAAAAAAAP EARTHLINGS AND CAT PEOPLE. Welcome back to the BeanCast, the only podcast hosted by a cat who can't talk and a genie with WiFi in his brain!"
The genie spun dramatically in his levitating gamer chair, wearing pink cat-ear headphones and a velvet robe he stole from Rey's closet.
Next to him, on a throne made of couch cushions and snack wrappers, sat Beans.Wearing her velvet cape. Tiny gold crown. Round purple sunglasses. Purring like a tiny jet engine.
"Today's guest? International icon. Tuna connoisseur. Professional judgmental starer. Give it up for... HER MAJESTY BEANS!"
Beans did nothing. Just slowly turned her head and sneezed directly onto the mic.
"She's already killing it," the genie whispered reverently.
He shuffled his notecards (actually Uno cards). Cleared his throat.
"First question. No warm-up. Beans, would you rather fight one horse-sized pigeon or fifty pigeon-sized horses?"
Beans: Mrrrrrp.
(Translation unknown. But she flexed her claws and licked her shoulder.)
"Violent. I respect it."
He scribbled on a napkin:Note: Do not get on Beans' bad side. Or front side. Or anywhere near.
"Next question: If Rey turned into a sofa, would you still sit on him?"
Beans blinked slowly.
Then blinked again.
Then sat down directly on the mic.
"That's a YES!" the genie declared, clapping. "Love is real."
BEANCAST FUN FACT #17: Beans has never paid taxes.
"Okay okay okay—deep one. If you had to choose between infinite shrimp or eternal naps, which one?"
Beans: Mrowp.(The lights dimmed. Somewhere, a shrimp exploded.)
"That's fair," said the genie, nodding sagely. "Shrimp is temporary. Nap is forever."
Suddenly, a rogue sock floated across the room wearing sunglasses.
The genie pointed. "Ah yes, our unpaid intern, Sockington. Say hi, Sockington."
The sock twirled in the air like it had been possessed by interpretive dance.
Beans swatted it midair with one majestic paw.
The genie lost it. Laughed so hard he dropped the mic (which was a spoon taped to a carrot). Regained composure.
"Okay, final question. This is serious."He leaned close. "Beans… do you believe in aliens?"
Beans yawned.
Then stared directly into the camera.
"She's seen too much," whispered the genie.
Behind them, a glitter cannon went off accidentally. Beans didn't even flinch.
"Welp," the genie said, standing, "that's our show, folks. Tune in next week when Beans and I attempt to bake a cake using only a hairdryer and emotional damage."
He snapped his fingers.A disco ball descended.Beans' sunglasses glowed.
END OF BEANCAST EPISODE ONE.(Do not tell Rey.)