"I'm going to sleep," Kala suddenly said, getting down from the bed. She turned down the TV volume, making the room eerily quiet. Her eyes closed almost immediately as she lay on the chair beside the bed.
That left me, still confused about what had just happened. The warmth of Kala's lips still lingered on the corner of mine. Oh no! There's no way I can pretend this is normal, right?
From where I lay, I could clearly see Kala's chest rising and falling steadily—a sign she was already deep in sleep. I cursed inwardly. How could she fall asleep so easily after throwing my feelings and thoughts into chaos with that brief kiss earlier?
Infuriating! Meanwhile, here I was, unable to close my eyes. I felt like a teenager who had just experienced their first kiss.
Hoping to fall asleep soon, I turned off the lights, leaving only a small lamp on the nightstand. The dim lighting made it hard to see Kala clearly, which was probably for the best. But even so, her face was all I could think about. I felt so embarrassed right now. Oh no!
How could I sleep when the person who had turned my mind upside down was right in front of me, sleeping so soundly? My head was still spinning, wondering what that kiss had meant. Was it just a friendly peck between friends?
Beside me, Arkan was fast asleep, making me envious. I should have been able to sleep just as deeply—after everything we did today, my body was exhausted. But no, because of what Kala had done, something I never even imagined, I couldn't.
I blinked several times, staring at the dimly lit room. I had tried everything to fall asleep, but my eyes remained wide open, scanning my surroundings.
That kiss from Kala had brought disaster upon me.
I let out a long sigh and got out of bed. I really couldn't close my eyes, no matter how hard I tried. Maybe doing something else would calm my mind.
Luckily, this room had a balcony overlooking the streets of Bandung. It was already late at night when I stepped out and stood by the high railing.
The night wind made me shiver, but it didn't stop me from staying there. The sky above was dark, a stark contrast to the city below, glittering with car lights.
"Why are you out here on the balcony?" A deep voice suddenly spoke beside me. I held my breath. Oh, how strange—just hearing his voice made my heart race wildly.
"I can't sleep," I answered honestly.
"Why are you here too? Go back to sleep. You won't have the energy to drive back to Jakarta tomorrow," I reminded him.
"How can I sleep when you're out here?" he replied.
"It's cold here. Do you want me to get you a blanket?" he offered, but I shook my head.
"No need. I'm not planning to stay out here all night. Just for a little while, until I feel sleepy," I said, making Kala chuckle.
"I thought you were already asleep earlier," I remarked, glancing at him.
"Not really. That's why I noticed when you left," he replied.
"Bee…" he called, his voice sounding different, making me turn to him in confusion.
"What do you think about relationships between men and women?" he suddenly asked. I was completely lost—where was this coming from? All I could do was stare at him blankly.
"What kind of relationship do you mean?" I asked, sensing he still expected an answer.
"A relationship that's more than just friends or business partners," he clarified.
"There's nothing wrong with that kind of relationship," I replied.
"Does it always have to end in something serious?" he asked. My brows furrowed—I still didn't understand where this conversation was going.
"Never mind, forget what I just said. I think I'm overthinking things," he muttered, while I was still racking my brain over his words.
"Are you saying that every relationship between a man and a woman has to end in marriage?" I guessed, turning to him. His face tensed for a moment before he smiled and looked at me.
"I don't think the answer is absolute," I continued.
"It could be yes or no." Kala stared at me intently after I finished speaking. I didn't understand why he suddenly brought this up—what was really on his mind?
Was he referring to my failed marriage? But as far as I remembered, I never gave him the full details.
"Why are you suddenly talking about this?" I asked curiously.
Moonlight caught the silver streaks in Kala's hair as he turned toward me, his usually confident features now shadowed with vulnerability. The city lights reflected in his dark eyes like scattered stars, and for a moment I forgot how to breathe.
"Since you already brought it up, I want to keep discussing it," I added when Kala's mouth opened slightly, as if about to ask me to drop the subject.
A sudden gust of wind sent shivers down my spine, making me acutely aware of how close we stood. The warmth radiating from Kala's body seemed to create its own gravitational pull, and I had to consciously resist leaning into it.
"My parents' failed marriage and the people around me who never showed me that marriage is a good thing made me feel like it's not important," he said, making me hold my breath. I, too, had failed in my marriage with Axel, but I never thought I'd completely reject the idea of marriage again—though it wasn't easy for me to open my heart to another man who might ask me to marry him someday.
"Just follow your heart, aren't you the one living your life?" I asked, forcing a smile. Hearing Kala's explanation, I finally understood why he hadn't married yet, even at thirty-five. It wasn't because he was gay, as many rumors suggested, or anything like that.
Kala turned to me, his gaze intense. After he had suddenly kissed me earlier, even just looking at him now made me flustered. I lowered my head, avoiding his eyes.
"I've also failed at marriage," I murmured.
"Failed? Oh, I'm sorry… I always thought Arkan's father had passed away," he said regretfully.
"To me, it's the same. Even though he's still alive, Arkan and I act as if he no longer exists. But that failure didn't make me see marriage in a bad light," I replied.
"So our perspectives on this are completely different. But that's everyone's right, isn't it? I won't force you to think like me," I continued.
Kala let out a slow breath, his eyes drifting down to the flickering car lights below that never seemed to fade. Meanwhile, I suddenly felt embarrassed at myself for always getting flustered by Kala's attention. If his life goals were so different from mine, what was I even hoping for? If he didn't consider marriage important, why was I still holding onto expectations?
I could blush and daydream all I wanted when he showed care and affection toward me and Arkan. But it was pointless—because to Kala, serious relationships didn't exist.
My chest ached with a strange, indescribable pain. This man was practically a stranger, someone who had only just entered my thoughts and feelings. So why did it hurt so much when he voiced his fear of commitment?
"Bee…" he called, making me turn to him.
"Sorry for bringing up such an unpleasant topic," he said regretfully. From the corner of my eye, I could see his gloomy expression. I couldn't bear to see him like this, but I didn't know what to do.
"It's fine. It's your right to feel that way," I said with a faint smile.
"Honestly, I'm really confused right now," he admitted.
"I… I want to get to know you better, but I'm afraid you'll end up disappointed in me. Yet, I also don't want you to ignore me. I don't know—I'm just so lost," he said, his expression resembling a confused child's, much like Arkan when he didn't know how to solve a problem. Was that what Kala wanted from me too?
I don't know where the courage came from, but I reached out and gently touched his shoulder. Kala turned, then took my hand from his shoulder and held it in his.
"I really do want to know you more deeply—not just out of curiosity. But…" He stopped mid-sentence, staring at me without blinking.
"But you don't know where your feelings for me are headed?" I guessed. Kala stayed silent, not answering. For some reason, his confession made me want to cry. I should've been happy that he had deeper feelings for me, but instead, I just felt sad. It was like being broken up with before even officially dating.
"That's not it, Bee," he replied, then pulled me closer.
From this balcony, under the dim moonlight and the flickering city lights, Kala suddenly drew me into his embrace.
A street vendor's cart rattled by on the road below, its wheels clattering against uneven pavement. The mundane sound contrasted sharply with the intimate weight of our conversation, as if life insisted on interrupting this fragile moment between us.
"Right now, all I want is you, Bee," he whispered softly.
His words curled around me like the night fog, warm against my chilled skin. The city lights blurred as my eyes stung with unshed tears. In that suspended moment between heartbeats, with the cool metal railing at my back and Kala's warmth before me, I realized how desperately I wanted to believe him—and how terrifying that wanting truly was. (*)