The sound of footsteps grew closer. Echoing as they approached.
"Leave me…" I weakly whispered, my voice barely above a whisper.
My body refused to move, feeling numb and heavy, as if it were no longer my own.
A lingering, burning sensation in my throat left my voice hoarse and faint, but still... I desperately cried out. Exhaling nothing more than a whimper.
Was this it?
Is it finally my time to die?
The thought had haunted me for months, lurking in the back of my mind, reemerging every time I opened my eyes.
And yet, I'd always postponed my end. To keep going. To keep suffering, for their sake.
But now, laying on death's door.
I felt…
Oddly warm. Almost, relieved.
The pain of living every day was finally going to end.
My mind relaxed, as I stared out into the darkness, unable to avert my gaze as the shadow of a person slowly came into view. The dark silhouette of a bucket hung from their hands, the impending sloshing of water got louder with every step.
It didn't look very promising, but at this point. I don't care. I'm done trying to live, I'm done... trying to survive.
I closed my eyes. No struggle, no fear. Just acceptance.
Knowing how I ended up here or why my body can't move won't change anything.
I'm always going to be pathetic. Useless. A Coward.
This was a fitting end for someone like me. Someone who doesn't deserve to be remembered. Not some warrior's death. Not some final stand.
Just... a clueless, meaningless end.
I smirked in disbelief. This was my worst fear,
Dying Alone…
At least no one will miss me. I have noone left.
As I thought it, the truth boiled within, until the darkest part of me snapped,
And who's fault is that…
Without thinking I replied aloud,
"Mine… Damn it…"
The words barely escaped my lips before my chest tightened. Before I knew, a choked sob slipped free, hidden within a slight exhale.
Tears welled up, until the moisture of their cold streams rolled down my cheeks. I had fought so hard to keep them in, to die with pride.
But I can't even do that right. I remembered every effort, every tear that fell, until the lock shattered. The familiar faces of my family, the people I had held onto all this time, flickered through my mind.
A slight smile formed along the edge of my cheeks.
I should've been the one to die that day. Wait for me a little longer,
Tenshi…
The words were familiar, I had whispered them many times, yet never acted upon it. It's my punishment, or my curse. One I accepted long ago.
My fingers twitched, barely shifting as I reached for their faces. Something always barely beyond my grasp. The thing I wanted most, but could never hold again... at least not in this life.
The soft sound of footsteps grew closer, slow and uncertain, until they were right beside me. The shadow let out a hesitant, shaky grunt and then...
*Splash.*
Freezing. Cold. Frigid. Piercing. My vocabulary didn't know enough words to describe the way icy water crashed over my face.
My eyes snapped open as my breath spiked, my trust betrayed. An enormous strangled gasp tore it's way through my throat; from the inside out.
My body jerked violently, but my limbs still remained frozen and unresponsive. My lungs burned, my chest heaved, as the searing pain traveling through my ribs..
Air… I need air.
I choked. Coughing. Gasping… Every breath that followed tore into my insides, each hesitant inhale gnawing through my rib cage like a wild animal mauling its prey.
I'm alive?
"Hey… How are you feeling?"
The voice was soft. Feminine. Yet, unfamiliar. Nothing like the cruel, dark silhouette I envisioned earlier.
Despite shivering, my instincts took over. Ever since I was a kid, I could pick up on subtle tells. The smallest shifts in tone, fake smiles, a glint of a lie hidden behind forced kindness.
Even Malice disguised as concern. Exposing someone's true intention was my specialty. The only thing I was good at it seems.
But her voice, shocked me. It carried none of that… only warmth and genuine concern.
So, why did she nearly drown me with a bucket?
She hesitated, waiting for something. Maybe my answer. Or a sign?
"Hey… can you hear me?" A pause. Then, softer, quiet as a whisper, almost pleading.
"Please…"
Reluctantly, I blinked rapidly, my sight both wet and blurry. The only way I could show her I was alive. Out of nowhere, I started to feel warm. The droplets of water heating themselves on the surface of my skin.
I repeated the motions, forcing myself to breath; trying to speak. Nothing. Just raspy exhales, dry and spluttery, as if I was a mummy; buried for thousands of years.
What's going on? What the hell happened to me?
I attempted to gulp, but the saliva slowly inched its way to the roof of my mouth, before ultimately falling down my throat.
First I couldn't move, now I can't speak…
Warmth moved throughout my body, parts of my vision slowly returning as she hovered over me.
Why am I still fighting? Why…
It's not right.
Why was I still clinging to a life, to something that felt so… wrong.
As if reading my mind, the woman suddenly flew into motion. Blurs of movement. My head refused to turn, but I could hear everything… Her silent muttering, hurried steps, the tossing of the bucket.
"I'm so sorry… I…." She quickly spoke, pausing. I didn't need my vision to know. Her eyes were staring into my soul. Hopeless, remorseful.
This is why I feel bad for kind people... One look and they want to fix everything.
But... Not everyone can be fixed. Not everyone deserves to be saved.
Her gaze returned to the room, frantically searching for a solution for whatever she did.
I know… Because I can empathize, I felt this way before too. Whatever she did. The guilt is eating her alive and it's clear as day.
I just wish she'd just tell me what was wrong though. Maybe... it'd help me get out of this warm puddle.
Honestly... I hope it's not piss.
Suddenly, her outline stopped moving and the feeling of her gaze intensified. "I… I uh… I lost your medicine…"
Her voice sounded defeated, and despite my lack of vision I could tell her head hung. Guiltily shifting as she frantically went back to searching.
My Medicine? Was she my nurse? What kind of nurse loses medicine?
The urgency and panic when she moved, worried me. This felt like a life or death situation and I don't even know what's wrong with me.
Yet, I know I'll die without this "medicine."
She made her way around the corner of the bed, her silhouette fading from view. I could hear rustling movement, the tripping and muffled whimper as she stubbed her toe.
Then...
a faint thud, as she awkwardly and childishly kicked something wooden.
Maybe a small end table? Instantaneously followed by the hurried shaking of glass.
From the shadows, she appeared into view, accompanied by the sloshing of another liquid.
Everything felt…. Unorthodox for a hospital. Unpracticed. Firstly, I'm laying in a bed drenched in water which my nurse bucket dumped on me.
Without any explanation…
Second, she misplaced the medicine I didn't know I needed.
Should I be relieved with her dedication or slightly worried with her forgetfulness.
I exhaled weakly, my mind still processing; my heart rate increasing. My vision was clearing, but I wasn't sure if I wanted it to.
The slow creak of the floorboards brought me back to reality. Her shadowy outline was clearer now, but still undistinguishable. She bent down to my level, slowly bringing the vial to my face.
"Hold very still, drink it all." I just stared.
Slightly embarrassed that I was being handfed from a glass. The liquid was a shade of green, which didn't look very appetizing as a blur.
Not that I had much of a choice. The warmth faded, leaving me shivering, paralyzed and unable to speak. I couldn't fight. If she meant to harm me, there was nothing stopping her. But, she would've done it by now.
"Please, this will heal you." she pleaded, nudging the cup towards my lips.
And… There it was.
People who are hiding something always have a tell. Every half-truth, every lie…
Her hands were shaking, clearly nervous and anxious. But her tone… She was forcing it. The feeling behind her gaze wasn't missing, her eyes refused to meet mine as she repeatedly looked left to right.
She felt guilty.
Was there truth behind her words? Maybe. But, I'd wager my life. She was hiding something.
No point avoiding it...
Confidently, I pressed the cup to my lips and tilted, its contents inching closer and closer to my mouth.
The liquid met my tongue, cold and thick, sliding down my throat abnormally smooth. Immediately, the scratchy and dryness in my throat disappeared. Flooded by a sweet, rich flavor which clung to my tastebuds, a tropical minty taste seeping into my lungs.
A rush of warmth followed, surging throughout my entire body, like a tropical heat wave.
Then… something changed.
I suddenly gasped, my voice suddenly at full strength.
Fire…
Everything was on fire.