Chapter one
I don't write because I want to remember.
I write because I'm scared I'll forget—
and there's too much that depends on the silence staying buried.
No one asks about my father anymore.
Not since I stopped flinching at the sound of his name.
That's the thing about pain—if you wear it long enough, people start mistaking it for skin.
*******
The school bell rang with an annoyingly piercing shrill. Students burst out through the doors, happy to be going home. Happy to get away from the prison considered school.
I watched.
I waited.
I didn't want to go home, but he would be pissed if I wasted more time.
I still remained in my seat. Despite the warning bells going off in my mind, I remained glued to my seat.
The thought of going back to that house left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I don't want to go back there, but I don't have a choice.
I drag my bag behind me, walking reluctantly out of the class.
I keep my gaze down as I navigate the crowded hallway that seems to have amassed the population of the country.
Seriously, why are they ALL in the hallway.
Don't they have homes or something?
I count my steps towards the school doors and manage to free myself from the jungle of bodies .
Taking a breath of fresh air, I begin the journey I dread.
******
Arriving home was just as I expected, but I had hoped it would be better.
I was greeted with the smell of cigarettes and alcohol before I even opened the door.
I blinked back tired tears.
I was desperately hoping he wouldn't be home, but it seems I can't win at anything.
I pull the door closed behind me with a cautious groan.
The living room is full of random men I don't recognise, each of them sporting tattoos and looking very dangerous, or at least more dangerous than the average criminal HE invited to our home.
I tried to blend in with the wall, praying to whatever god was listening that he was too high to. Notice my presence.
But he did. And it reminded me why I was an atheist.
"Where do you think you're sneaking off to, ya little brat?"
I flinched at his loud voice, but managed to keep myself slightly composed.
"Just... up to my room, sir" I mumbled back as meekly as I could muster.
Perhaps he would take my submissiveness as a sign to show mercy.
"You got some nerve walking in here like you own the damn place. Where are you running off to without greeting your daddy first?"
I visibly cringed at the word "daddy".
It sounded so vile, so disgusting.
"I'm sorry, sir"
I had hoped he wouldn't do this when he had friends over, but I guess the alcohol had gotten him to light headed to care.
"Come on. Come here."
I clenched my fists hard at the sides.
I knew what would happen when I walked towards him.
I knew, and yet, I prayed something would change.
I prayed on the way home from school
I prayed as I stepped on the front porch
I prayed even while he was slurring and speaking to me.
But God doesn't exist.
If he did, he was one cruel monster.